1. THE REVVER
Slick back your hair. Place your aviators delicately on your nose, and worry slightly the the gold of your wristwatch will clash with the silver paint job. Don’t allow anyone to eat on the leather seats. Vacuum the floor mats weekly and pay for the top-grade wash. Believe emphatically that two seats is all you’ll ever need. Find beauty in machinery. Relish the crisp contrast of your dashboard lights in the dark against the horizon of night beyond the clean, white headlamps. Feel the tingle of adrenaline of speed in your blood, visualize the asphalt racing past beneath you. Take pride in numbers and figures nobody else understands. Tint your windows past the legal limit. Honk at a beautiful lady. If she doesn’t respond, rev up and roar past her. Know that a good car will take you much further than a woman ever could.
2. THE ’85
Lay low. Cruise. Find the best tapes you can at some forgotten heavy metal records shop and pretend you’ve always had them. Know that your car will always be filled with people and rarely will you know them all. Smile, and move your litter out of the back seat for them. Save the front seat for a short list of people you trust who have good taste in music. Never paint over the chipped brown-gold coat, and never clean your seats. Let the smell of old pizza and tobacco hang thick over them. Let your friends smoke inside. Only go for maintenance when it’s absolutely necessary and drive your car into the ground, but never admit anything but undying love and devotion for her. Get offended when remarks are made about her condition, even though you know it’s all true. Always offer to drive, especially if your car’s the one most likely to die on the way. Drive with one hand on the wheel and your left elbow hanging out the window. Never, ever drive with the windows up. Always be in pursuit of eternal summer.
3. THE MOTORCYCLE
Be tough. Know that whether you like it or not, you’re representing all others like you. Scare the shit out of practical citizens. Be fearless. Know that you are closer to death than anyone around you. Embrace it. Feel closer to the birds above than to the sad humans on the ground. Be ready to answer a lot of questions. Don’t yell at the kids who touch and play on your bike while you’re in the grocery store. Travel alone or in a pack, and feel just as free either way. Realize that your parents will disapprove. Accept that “reckless” is an adjective that will be permanently stuck to you. Dream of the Wild, Wild West and Wide Open Spaces. Learn to play pool. Figure out a different way to get your groceries home. And for god’s sake, wear a helmet.
4. THE MINIVAN
Buy a warehouse club membership. Hang a dry erase weekly calendar on the fridge. Have a silver dish for your keys on a dark wooden side table by the door. Drive distracted. Listen to the radio because you forgot to bring a CD again. Do you even own CDs anymore? Anyway, those morning DJs can be pretty funny. Spend your free time running errands. Be the first in line at 3:15. Let coffee be your worst habit. Give up on keeping the car clean. Become interested in things like below-seat storage. Do yard work on Sundays. Pay attention to safety ratings. Be active in the HOA and PTA. Walk slowly. Be patient. Find splendor in sentimentality, in typicality, in normalcy. Know that your life is exactly like everyone else’s and be eternally grateful for it.
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